that's the way the blind fish circles

this week's been an emotional one. a friend of mine had a major health scare, and i had yet another argument with a fellow teacher, yet to be resolved. was quietly irritated by some other things too and generally feel like i'm reacting to lots of stuff negatively.

started with Lauren's health problems and the need for her to get checked for cancer. saturday brought good news, but the previous few days were pretty scary. i'm not the best at expressing my care (if i can't think of any words, it probably looks like i'm phasing out) and at other times i'm too worried about how things are affecting me to think about anyone else. this was not what Lauren needed and she didn't put up with it either. had a couple of rough conversations, but managed to talk it out.

mid-week at work, a teacher and i had a short argument and we haven't spoken since. i feel that she verbally attacks me whenever something needs to be resolved, instead of just talking about it, and i can't get a word out without her attacking me more. i'm being pretty stubborn, not wanting to start talking to her again, but we need to, i know.

today, a lot of English teachers from Shiwa went to Oggu Park for a picnic and barbecue. beautiful afternoon and lots of kids out playing. one of my students came over with her friends. another Kiwi told me they were annoying her and wanted me to get rid of them, and as i was talking to them, the Kiwi told these kids to piss off. they understood that well enough, so i was instantly pissed off. really got my back up. if we weren't in a public place, fair enough, but it's a park for goodness sake. they had just as much right to be there as us. someone telling a perfectly lovely kid that she doesn't know to piss off seems quite arse.

i avoided her by joining Brian and Ben with a soccer ball, which we were banned from not playing with by the park ranger, so we threw a few shots at the basketball courts. the evening came, people were hungry and it got cold, and as the barbecue was banned by rangerman (fire restrictions), the party moved back to said Kiwi's apartment, and i wasn't particularly keen to join them. woulda felt fake. some regrets, as Brian says it was awesome times, but that's the way the blind fish circles.

Lauren's been telling me i'm pretty passive aggressive. always thought i was anything but, but maybe not. definitely feel it now i've written this. wish i'd told people exactly what was on my mind at the time, although, in fairness, it may have come out as incoherent swearwords and done no-one any great service in free communication.